Unfortunately for John that was not the scenario that played out before us that day. As his bike left contact with the roof it quickly plummeted toward the ground with frightening speed. A tip off the hat must be given for his skill in maintaining the bike in a mostly upright orientation. The details of the landing kind of blur at this point, but as best we could piece together from our assorted recollections of what we'd witnessed it went something like this:

The two wheels landed almost simultaneously. But not quite.  Our whimsical friend, Physics, failed to suspend any of his laws and thus John was pitched slightly forward as the front end of the bike had left the support of the roof an instant before the back. The initial impact of his landing was absorbed through the front wheel and the fork/handle bar assembly. Contrary to our stated belief the air in the tires did not provide a cushiony landing but instead decided that escaping the tire in an explosive fashion was much more desirable. This was due not only to the sudden impact with the driveway, but by the instant malformation of the front rim which flattened instantly ruining the circular perfection of the front wheel and causing the spokes to jut out in a tangled halo of projections much like rays from and aluminum sun before the entire wheel assembly dis-attached itself from the bike proper and became so much scrap metal and shredded rubber as it hula-hooped around the front fork. The failure of the wheel’s integrity was quickly followed by the fork of the bike striking the pavement in a most abrupt and unfriendly manner.

At this same instant the air in the back tire took its lead from the air in the front and it too gave up residence from the innertube, fleeing in great haste to mingle forever forward with the neighborhood atmosphere. While the back wheel did not deform to the same degree as the front, it too flattened somewhat. The effect the dual concussion of the flattened back wheel and the now wheelless front fork impacting the ground in unison had upon young John was quite astounding.

To outward appearances he seemed to compress – his neck all but disappearing as his head tried to find refuge between his shoulders and his arms crunching up into tight little "Ls" becoming quite stubby and comic in appearance. His mouth, which had been agape in awe as his mind tried to fully wrap around the magnitude of the error in judgment he had just perpetrated upon himself slammed shut in a frightening manner, the sound of his teeth clacking together reminiscent of a thunderclap. What we could not see very well, but which was soon to become painfully obvious to all was that the seat upon which his rear end rested was not meant for cushioning a fall – at speed – from a height of 8-10 feet. What this meant was that the two impact points of rear wheel and front fork channeled their combined energy through the pole upon which the seat resided and delivered all the concussive force of the impact directly through the seat to John’s… how shall we put this? Taint? And also to his surrounding regions and delicate parts. The shock wave traveled through John’s body divesting his lungs of any air whatsoever with a mighty whoosh and a pitiful sounding "unnnh" as his mind was separated from what little sense he had to begin with.

At this point John was no longer able to command his vehicle and he slumped lifelessly over the handlebars at the remains of the bike toppled and slid to a stop just over the curb, in the gutter, in the street. As we ran to his side he crawled away from the wreckage, his eyes spinning like a slot machine and the only sound he could make was "unnnh" – a breathless plea of undetermined intent that came from having no air in his lungs and little consciousness from which to pull real words from.

I must take a moment at this point to make mention of his crawling as it was truly quite remarkable. His hands were thrust down between his legs holding the remains of the concussion point, his legs were bent at the knees and waist in a fetal pose and clamped tightly together as if they might somehow stop his important bits from actually falling off. In this position he rolled onto his front and wriggled like an armless reptile using his shoulders, chin, knees and toes to make purchase on the ground in an effort to find some cool grass to lay down and die upon. Of course we were concerned for John’s welfare, but the incessant "UNNNNH" sound he was making (and which was increasing in volume and intensity) along with the comical pose he was in all while writhing and thrashing on the ground was much to amusing to go unremarked so we sat around him and imitated his groans and spasmodic motions while laughing hysterically as we retold over and over again what we'd just witnessed. All in all it was one of the more memorable days of that year’s summer vacation.