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Ohio State is not a tank. It is not a jeep.
It is an Afghani donkey-cart built with spare parts from a wheel barrel, an '82 Chrysler and particle-board bookshelf that someone left on the curb. The last bit got caught in the rain, unfortunately. The veneer is peeling off and the wood is getting puffy. The plastic nails are somewhat discolored, but in a Heisman trophy kind of way.
"It was at a whole 'nother level of 'vehicle satisfaction' with the duct tape was still sticky."
That's how Ohio State fans prefer to remember the 2006 Ohio State Buckeyes: The Ferrero Roche of football teams. Because apparently believing your team is flaky is much better than believing your team got bent over, chopped up and mutilated when they were at their best. Because during the season, we heard words like stogy, robust, durable and steel grit. When the season was over, we heard words like temperamental, delicate, atrophy and out-of-sync.
High-strung cunny-willows.
Yeah, that's much better to swallow as a Buckeye. We didn't get beat by a better team. We got beat by an average team. Consequently, we're a bunch of pussies. We're like that girlfriend you have to buy expensive, sparkly things for every week. You might even get laid on some nights. Some people know how to use 50 days to prepare and get focused. Not us. We're morons. It takes one month before everything we learned in six months gets reduced to that quivering mass of foam on a yeast infection. It takes one month before the number one team in the nation transforms magically into Youngstown State or some direction school that people should invite to homecoming. It's a slight-of-hand magic trick, but believe me; please believe me.
If you wanted a team filled with men, don't look at us. Tressel takes a handful of putty at the beginning of the year and molds it, cradles it, makes love to it, then cradles it some more, then produces a product that's only good for 2 months. Take a picture of it, but fast. We're like that flower that only blooms only on summer solstice in the moon light. Then poof! Gone. Make a highlight tape and slap it on the shelves. We're the best team that comes with the most asterisks in the nation.
THE Ohio State Asterisks.
We need to bring in a team with a losing record every other week to keep us fine-tuned. That's what prepared us for Michigan. All those teams with losing records. They kept our players in peek performance mode. Our offensive linemen are on a seven day schedule. After seven days without a game, foot locker wants their super-flight-athlete shoes back. Then we have to regretfully give them all bowling shoes. It didn't hurt last year though. But there was a mix-up at the airport terminal and they gave us the wrong bowling balls to practice with. What? What's that? Don't stop me, I know this is about football, but bowling is an important component to fat-asses up north. I mean, to athletes-who-need-a-constant-diet-of-games-to-play-well up north.
We're like that gun that needs to be cleaned after every shot. Actually, in mid-shot. When you're pulling the trigger, your other hand should be holding onto the fluke: that chimney cleaner piece for guns. It goes click-*clean*-bullet-comes-out-*clean*-*clean*-reload. People from the SEC wouldn't understand. We take gun management seriously. We take football seriously.
If you tip us over, we fall down -- unless we've played a game approximately 7-14 days prior. In fact, if Florida played us on Janurary 8th AND January 15th, the record would be evened up. We would have had our 'preparation game'. We would win that time. Michigan had their preparation game with us too. That's why they wanted a rematch. It's standard operating procedure in the Big 10 for teams that need actual game-day preperations.
Fragile Ohio State.
But keep this in mind. And this is an important thought to consider. If you're really the number one team in the nation, capable of hanging with anyone, why do you seem to have the biggest drop-off as a team? If you bought a car that could go from 0-60 in 3 seconds, then a month later, it barely make it off the driveway, did you buy a good car or a lemon? There are so many variables a great team has that others don't; the ability to step up no matter what the adversity, such as a layoff, should be one of them. The wind blows in the wrong direction and Ohio State gets lost in the storm? Sorry. That's never a good sign for a champion.
Adversity doesn't build character, it reveals it. Sorry Ohio State. Any team that doesn't show up for the championship game can not be called a champion. On any level. Just reapply the duct tape next season and hope it sticks until January. Pussies.
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gatorpower
(72.196.116.29) on 1/16/2007 - 4:59 a.m. says: ( 217 views
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