But back to RCCL. First time I ever went, they lost my luggage. AND NEVER FOUND IT. Ever. Gave me some $$ but the trip was diminished. I couldn't deny the quality of the experience otherwise, so once I got over my grudge, I tried them again this spring for a trip to Cabo/Puerto Vallarta out of LA. Suffice it to say, I never parted with my luggage, even though they offered many, many times.

Their ships are fantastic, and you'd be surprised how uncrowded most areas are for a ship with 3K-4K people (except the pool deck during an at-sea day). The food is consistently good, everything's clean and new, entertainment is acceptable, and things just function rather efficiently (for god sake show up EARLY and be the first on the boat - don't wait).

I want to try the Oasis, the biggest of all.

I think it runs the FLL - Eastern Carib route, which apparently has ports large enough to accomodate it.

But the ULTIMATE cruise would be a 14-night Med starting in Lisbon and ending in Istanbul. A gay cruise. A gay FOOTBALL cruise. With a separate 24-hour food line devoted to chicken wings - all kinds - teriyaki, cajun, pineapple, lutefisk, bourbon, curry, chipotle, spam. Oh oh, and they have like these roving servers, you know, like hot Chippendales guys but a little less buff, and they go around with carts of these chicken wings and they make you fresh guacamole on demand. And they make you drinks. I'll have a scotch and Izze, with a twist of teriyaki chicken wing. Then they not only serve you stuff, but these guys are assigned to you and they go out on the excursions with you and take pictures for your and hail cabs in Rome for you and all you have to do is be drunk without passing out. Oh oh and in the movie theater, they run CLASSIC FOOTBALL GAMES, unless they're broadcasting live ones. Oh man. Like, they have one room devoted to each era, and then another just for national championship games. And the chippendales guys are there with you cheering for your team trying to get tips. And then and then and then they have like these things where you can request your server based on his looks, like some kinda computer thingy and you can scroll through their profiles and say "that one, the Filipino guy with the nip ring and chinese tat on his neck." and if that one's not available you can like rank the others - you know? - like say "i'll take all the ones that have back hair or pointy ears or different colored eyes" and then they switch off every day. Oh, and nothing happens before noon. NOTHING. i don't want to pay for breakfast when i never have it. come on, when you're on a ship why do you get up for #badword#ing breakfast anyway. and no kids. definitely. yeah. nobody under 25. they are all either screaming and chasing eachother or they're just douchey college kids. zipline would be cool. naked zipline. naked OIL zipline and it ends in the pool - which is filled with scotch and those chippendales guys and when you land in it they wrestle you down and drag you off and give you a massage. and they tell you how funny you are and how everyone on the ship is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBORING except for YOU of course. YOU'RE the funny one and i really want to get to know you. you on facebook? let's hang out. nobody has to get up before noon anyway, right? and the crew quarters are so crowded. do you have room in your bed? i mean, i can sleep on your balcony too (because i have a balcony - everyone on this cruise does). but then i say - "i think i can make some kind of arrangement but what is it worth to you?" and he says "just getting to do it is value enough.' oh man, then they have like these "theme nights" for each conference, and on your own conference night you dress all up in school colors and remind everyone at your table that your conference OWNS their ASSE$ you HEAR THAT IOWA???? WE OWN YOUR KEISTER! and they have to sit and listen to it, the stupid farm boys. and then they have their own conference night but i don't show up, you know why???? because Bruce and I are habgin out in the scotch pool. we're already engaged. did i mention that? yeah, it was great. when we were pulling out of malta, under the full moon, the warm mediterranean breeze caught his wispy hair and i fell in love and just popped the question - after some E - and what? yes? the fuc*? really??? but, but, how are we gonna do this thing, i mean, you live on the boat and i'm livin under the Macarthur maze in oakland and there's really not a lot more room because you know property values and such. crazy too because the market is supposed to be fallin out on home values. well, nobody told the bay area. i gotta live in freaking LIVERMORE and drive 2 hours to go anywhere that's Zagat rated unless i just want cheesecake factory and panera bread and hiking around in the dead grass on some windswept hillside that's already being graded out for another subdivision. but i digress. let's just put this thing off for now. you'll keep yourself pure for me, right? you just said that you've never met anyone like me. and RCCL has great workout facilities too. and a great spa but that $hit's gay. don't go there. just go to the workout place. it's all the more beneficial being on the Precor when the boat's moving. you find out you have muscles you never thought possible on a human. they actually have an ICE rink too. no bull. a freakin ice rink and they do shows and Baryshnikov is twirlin around and the boat is rockin and you know this $#it's popular on a gay cruise and then they have this game where you are divided into sections and it's like a scavenger hunt you know and they call out these bizarre items like "bra" and nobody got one cuz who qwears a bra on a cruise or gets up before noon but whatever sometimes they're all 'ok who has a cruise event schedule' and some old lady probably does and takes 2 years to fish it out of her bloated purse and then you run down and give it to the host and after about 12 items you count up who did it soon enough and everybody in the group that wins gets their own chippendale.

the food's good