It’s abominable in the eyes of the lord.

Hate, that is.

It’s God’s simplest request – love thy neighbor – but for some people it’s the one they’re least interested in following.

I had this great response all written out. There was snarky humor, Shakespearean allusions, venn diagrams, I had even set up an ANOVA table after running a regression on factors contributing to bullying. Then what did I do? I proofread it – which I rarely waste time doing – and promptly hit the “back refresh” buttom, not “post.” I had written for 45 minutes. Ever do that? I think god hates me, and not cuz I’m gay. Prolly cuz I’m a Volz. Well, this is the poor man’s version of the brilliance I barfed out last hour. I almost just gave it up out of pissed-offedness, but given the gravity of the subject, I tried again. “POST.”

I met Joel Burns a couple of weeks ago at Ft. Worth pride. Tall drink of water and a polite gentleman. His speech was heartwrenching and the part that affected me was the idea of escape. For kids in that situation, it’s the most alluring option and it obviously can’t wait. It’s comforting to know I can go to Vassar or whatever snooty yankee college and wear hoop earrings and emo jeans and read Foucault and I’ll be embraced, not spit at. But what does that mean to a middle schooler? Oh, only 6 more years. Yeah, Christmas already seems like a lifetime away. And until NEVER gets here, school IS the world. You remember it, right? You were going to be with those people FOREVER, eating lunch with the same people, same locker next to the same person, fail the same Spanish test. Year after year after year until you looked like your grandparents, then god would wisk you away to heaven, where you would share eternity with…WHAT? THE SAME F*CKING PEOPLE? Apparently HEAVEN’S easier to get into than ARIZONA STATE (line, line anyone? Ned Flanders. Come on now, keep up.)

So this is the battle we face, trying to get troubled kids to think rationally (to say nothing of the kids making them miserable). Anyone who ever dealt with kids this age (I did as a teacher for 4 years) knows it’s a nearly impossible battle. So that leaves policy. Which will fail. What policy ever changed minds? It may make a slight dent in observable behavior, but hatred will manifest itself eventually, especially if the perpetrators are dead-set on hate. Social mores move at a glacial pace. Many people still have a problem with interracial dating, for instance. If the people of Mississippi could vote on women’s suffrage today, I think it’d be a close call. So all policy can do is put a band-aid on an amputation. The crushingly tragic reality is that there’s no way to “stop” bullying, and many of the perpetrators will go on to raise kids who do the same, or hold political office where the “bullying” will take on a more subtle and sophisticated look, saying things like we’re “deranged.” Ever had somebody say that to you because you had brown hair?

So what would I say to a kid in a troubled situation? Probably something like “It’s their problem, not yours. Keep yourself alive today and someday somebody will love you enough to make you never want to die.” The strong point of Burns’ speech was his story of taking the younger self through his most memorable moments. It was masterfully written and pulled off, and my cynical bull#badword# detector didn’t make a peep.

Problem is, the issue goes further. It’s one thing to focus on outside hatred, but one of the biggest problems is inner hatred. In some instances, the cruelest bigot can be yourself. I was a hater, of myself. That’s why I never came out until I was 27, despite being gay for as long as I can remember. I didn’t help my cause – went to Christian high school, which was a great experience and very supportive, but I just wasn’t willing to test the limits of their patience so I bottled it up. UT was ok, there may have been support groups for gays but nobody can say that it was necessarily a bastion of progressive thought. Besides, I wasn’t going to risk my HS friends – many of whom also attended UT – finding anything out about me. And “down low” just wasn’t an option I knew of or would have considered. I sleepwalked through 4 years and did my best not to make eye contact with anyone I thought was gay, lest my Great Secret be spilled in the headlines, church bulletin or written out in the sky by a Cessna. Minus-4 years wearing baggy polo shirts and stifling my wise-@ss comments in church. Then teaching. Any gay teachers? Show of hands? Didn’t think so. Not any that would admit it. You’re toast if you come out as a teacher. Wasn’t even going to go there. Minus-4 years wearing a gruff, conservative veneer to forestall any suspicion. Then to grad school, at…drumroll please…Baylor. The #3 most anti-gay campus in the US (thank god for Notre Dame and BYU). Why there? Scholarship, close to friends, etc. Minus-2 years explaining that I was just waiting for the right woman. Side note: why do people (mainly Christians but not all) seem obsessed with YOU getting married? What’s it to them, anyway? They must either think it’s some kind of ideological victory that someone else buys into their institution, or they just want yet another miserable couple walking around so they don’t feel so bad about themselves. Anyway, there was no chance of coming out at a school that bans gay organizations. Yes, yes, I hear you. I KNEW this going in. Fair enough. I don’t begrudge Baylor for being what it is, in fact I had an otherwise fantastic time there and the people were wonderful. Great place (although Waco sucks). Funny thing – Baylor has the “best” organ/church music program in the country, but if they kicked out the gays, it would be a very quiet place (I, alas, was NOT in the music department). But, there it was. I turn around at 28 years old and what have I done about being gay? Nothing. I mean NOTHING. Did time just get away from me, or did I think I would “change,” or was I worried about what people would think? Well, all of that.

I didn’t choose to be this way (who would CHOOSE to be hated; moreover, when did you “choose” to be straight?), so I was going to have to live with it. After several years out, I finally called mom and decided to let her in on two things. “Mom, I’m a vegetarian, and I’m gay.” Mom: “SWEETIE, what are you going to EAT?” Classic mom, dry humor. No surprise on the gay thing, but the vegetarian thing shook her up because she wouldn’t know what to make for me when I came back home. A conversation I could have had 10 years prior and saved a lot in therapy.

But back to the self-hate thing: two types, I think. One for being gay, and one for denying it for whatever length of time. At some point, people just can’t refuse who they are. Being gay is no less physiological a phenomenon than having brown hair or being 6’ tall. The “nurture” side of the equation affects your willingness to come forward about it. But it was just who I was. Now, am I upset about lo those many years in the closet? I was to begin with, thinking I threw away many good years. What a waste of time – no, not losing the years, but wasting the present worrying about it. I did what I felt I had to do at the time, with the information I had. It was a survival mechanism. But a survival mechanism is just that: survival. I would advocate any coping mechanism that doesn’t actually harm your body or other people. Just stay alive. At this point, I’m not into bitching about the past. I had a great time, just wasn’t out. Sure, there’s lots I regret. I regret going to the f*cking Peach Bowl against Clemson. What, $100 to see #9 UT get smoked by unranked f*cking CLEMSON? Who do they think they are for god sake? Clausen sits back there like a #badword#ing statue of Abraham Lincoln and just rolls out the red carpet for every Clemson defender who wants a cheap grab. And why couldn’t we figure out the spread offense? Seems we have historic issues with that. Auburn ALWAYS gets us with it. But they called plays AT THE LINE, looking over the defense. Brilliant. Paying attention Phil? Nope, he’s eating. Can’t be bothered. It only took UT about 6 more years to try it. Difference is we’re doing it with pop-warner-quality athletes now, playing in a corporate looking stadium that echoes with the delirious cheers of opponent fans.

But I digress.

I don’t know what to say anymore. This s#it is so tragic and there’s so much more we never heard about nor will. Dealing with this from a policy or social perspective is not sexy – things won’t turn around immediately if at all. And progress is very hard to measure (fewer deaths would be a start). I think the ultimate front line of battle is – without sounding too cheesy – fought in the heart of the questioning child. S/he’s in a society that makes it clear in no uncertain terms that gay is not okay. Are kids emotionally developed enough not to internalize this and judge themselves? With self-hatred like that, who needs bullies? Young people agonize over “abnormalities” of all sorts – my nose is too big, I’m all pimply, my teeth are crooked or nonexistent. Whatever deviation from the Platonian ideal of wo/manhood we suffer, it’s enough to make us morbidly terrified of showing up at school. Unless we’re the rare breed that just doesn’t care. What? You were? Well great, because MOST people are motivated by external validation and what makes them seem “shallow” is actually a desperate attempt to gain the acceptance of their species. Then comes teh ghey. Nobody’s idea of “ideal.” It’s amazing so many gay kids make it though childhood in the South, and I imagine it’s because they’ve developed survival mechanisms. Mine was pretending not to be, and I’m not alone.

The last message I would have to people who read this board: when a friend, coworker, family member or child comes out to you – or you find out, as the case may be – remember that you liked/loved them before, and there’s no reason not to after. I am the same person I always was before coming out. I’m still obsessed with sports and love sailing. I still wear my baggy polo shirts. People don’t change when YOU find out they’re gay. They’re (likely) not begging you to hop in the sack. I would hope your friends of the opposite sex don’t either. So what does it have to do with anything? It would be a great loss to throw away years of meaningful friendship, or the love of offspring, or family ties, just because of ideology. Is your political allegiance deeper than your love for your own flesh and blood? I hope you’d think about it.

I suspect that I have college friends who read this board from time to time. They may know who I am on here or not. But we’re now in our early 30’s. I’ve never made a mention of a girlfriend. Hell, I went with you to the Oregon game a few weeks ago, and did I discuss girls, or have I ever? No. It’s obvious by now – the frilly orange tank top, the poster of Derek Dooley on the ceiling above my bed, my checkerboard pumps. I’m still the same person you used to travel with to all corners of the conference and the country watching UT WIN, back in the day of course. But I thank you, in the face of overwhelming evidence, for not asking me what my “deal” is. I don’t know whether it’s tacit acceptance or just oblivion, but I don’t fail to notice it and appreciate it.

That said, I’d be more embarrassed at this point wearing anything orange than running around in high heels. NTTAWWT.