But now I dread the knowledge I have..

It has been really tough being an expert in the disease you have. I know the odds. I know the stats. It has helped me in my choices so far, but it has also left me with the knowledge of how long the odds are that I face.

I had a CT scan this morning, and was able to read it myself. I am amazed I feel as well as I do considering all the obvious damage my body has undergone with my treatments. My lungs, my heart, my kidneys, even my pancreas all show severe and permanent damage from the radiation.

I also see things I can not explain. Too small to really be able to tell what they are..too small to biopsy. Could be nothing. Could be the natural history of my disease and the first signs of my impending demise.

More tests. The uncertainty is paralyzing. How do I care for my family? How to plan when the future is so uncertain?

I do not want to be prescient. I do not want to be omniscient.

Ignorance is bliss.