Faster than a speeding bullet;

More Powerful than a locomotive;

able to leap tall buildings in a single bound;

can change the course of mighty rivers;

able to bend steel in his bare hands.

Not be a douche to the rest of the employees

Not refer to himself in 3rd person

Weigh less than 500 pounds and bath daily, not every 3 days because his skin is too dry

Chew with his mouth closed

In other words, no more Charlie Cheeseburgers please!