Please vote on your favorite candidate: 1) Eli Manning Eli Manning and his dopey daddy have told the San Diego Chargers not to draft him because they don't want poor widdle Eli playing on a bad team. It seems Archie's sad career languishing for the 'Aints in New Orleans has made the Manning family a little gun shy. Eli, who are you to be calling the shots? Let's me honest, your career at Ole Miss wasn't that sparkling. Let's take a closer look at your senior year. You beat the following teams by only a FG... Vandy, South Carolina, Oklahoma State, and Florida (playing without Channing Crowder and utilizing possibly the worse offensive game plan in football history - 3 downfield passes against the #107 ranked pass defense in the country?)... you lost to Memphis and Texas Tech? Beat a vastly overrated Auburn by only 4. Only convincing wins against Arkansas State, Louisiana-Monroe, Mississippi State, and Bama (the latter two both on probation and suffering scholarship reductions). Finally against LSU, the only top-end opponent on your schedule, you were 16-36 with a pick and late 4th quarter TD with the game long over. And you didn't have to face Georgia or Tennessee from the East. 6-1 in the West was nice, but crunch the numbers there a bit on that record. What is the big problem with San Diego? Heaven forbid you'll be the #1 pick and have to go play in Southern California, probably the most beautiful city in the country and with the best annual weather. And you're going to get a 8.5 signing bonus and draw 6.2 million over four years? You get to play for one of the winningest coaches in the NFL and hand-off to the best, most durable young running back in the league. Also let me add, I've been watching the Real World in San Diego on MTV this past season. I'm here to tell you, even an awkward, goofey-looking, shy hayseed with a bad haircut from the Louisiana bayou like you can get laid out there. Your daddy's afraid you'll get beaten up and play in obscurity like he did in New Orleans? Waaahhh. It's the NFL with free-agency now! Look at the Carolina Panthers... from 4-12 to the Super Bowl in one season... led by a career journeyman QB in Jake Delhomme subbing in for Rodney Peete (yes Rodney Peete - that guy that QBed the Lions BEFORE Barry Sanders was there) and the NFL's Hair Club for Men poster child Chris Weinke. Didn't your daddy play for New Orleans for 10+ years? Why did they stink for so long? Why does daddy always get a pass on their poor play? Shouldn't the starting QB take at least some of the credit for the misery? I looked up his career stats - 125 TDs to 174 INTs... that is what they call Jeff Georgian-type numbers. But I digress. Let's be honest, if your last name wasn't "Manning", we'd be discussing who'll take a flyer on you in Round 2. Remember, you're getting a lot of milege on the back of your big brother's coattails. He went to a bad team and it turned out pretty good for him so far... didn't he just sign the biggest contract in NFL history? Suck it up in San Diego. At least you'll get a chance to play and compete against Drew Brees. You're counterpart in the draft last year - Carson Palmer - had to carry a clipboard behind John Kitna?? For your ridiculous pansy-ass ultimatum, you Eli are cordially invited to join the Cry Me a *%#@!River Club! 2) Corey Fuller Former Florida State and now NFL defensive back Corey Fuller was arrested in Tallahassee this week for "allegedly" running a high-stakes gambling business from his suburban Capital City home. Apparently Corey and his hommies were dropping some serious Benjamins on some big-time High Chicago. The FDLE had been investigating Corey's crib for, EIGHT (that's 2 presidential terms long for those of you scoring at home) years in Tallahassee. And now Corey is crying and thinking he's being disrespected. "I'm just a poor kid from the projects, who kept his nose clean, and stayed true to my boys", says Corey. "Why they gotta be hatin' on me, just because I made 15 million in the league?" The cops sent in an undercover agent, wired with a microphone, before they made the arrest. He documented thousands of dollars being gambled, during multiple nights of the week, and get this, Corey was taking a 10% cut per hand. 10%?? Corey says it's all just one big misunderstanding and this is just friendly poker with his friends and family. He even points out that he's not sure if he wants to go through with his philanthopic event scheduled for this weekend... a charity basketball game with his NFL buddies. Wow, Corey, what a saint! You were gonna charge $15.00 bucks a head for people to come watch you play basketball. You and your boys were gonna roll up in your Hummers and Escalades, dog it on the court, and show-off in a glorified slam-dunk contest, all in the name of the underprivileged. Mother Teresa would be so proud. You want to give back to your home town? Use some of your gambling proceeds to re-build a delapidated home in Frenchtown. Oh, we haven't mentioned the OK Corral type shoot-out in Corey's home back in January. Somebody barged in guns-blazzing in what was "supposedly" a random home-invasion robbery. No chance this might have been a gambling bender gone bad? Corey was dumbfounded and even offered a $15,000 reward to find the culprit. No chance he was throwing up a smokescreen for the cops taking surveillance in the white "construction" van parked across the street? Nobody has it in for you Corey! Please, if there was a city in America where the local sports hero gets a free pass in the legal system it's Tallahassee... see Peter Warrick, Sebastian Janikowski, and Adrian McPherson. To use a card-playing term you will understand Corey, let's call a spade a spade. You got caught with your hand in the cookie jar, and for that you are unequivocally qualified to be the next member of the Cry Me a *%#@! River Club. 3) Maurice Clarett This kid's been a front-runner for induction for months now. What a pebble in the proverbial shoe. So damn irritating and just won't go away. We've been dealing with this punk's soap opera for going on one year now. He's got it so rough, he won't be allowed into the NFL Draft now... or will he, or won't he, or will he, or won't he? Apparently Mo has no other recourse in life except to play professional football. Nothing more, nothing less. And to preserve that privelege (it's a privelege not a right) every lawyer in greater Ohio is filling legal appeals in whatever court will hear it. Let's rewind for a moment. Maurice has played one year of college football. One year that really wasn't even a complete year because he couldn't endure the pounding for an entire season. One year where quite obviously his eligibility was only kept intact because a tutor, propped up by the Ohio State athletic department, was allowed to give Mo an ORAL open book re-do final to his African History Studies course. This was after Maurice skipped the real final! Kids, let me ask you? Would any of your college professors ever let you re-take a final that you purposely skipped? And re-take it "Orally"? Moving on... so the season is over and Maurice takes some illicit cash from an agent (errrrrr) friend. He's then seen driving around Columbus in a spanking new Denali. Ohio State brass raises some eye brows and asks for an investigation. Maurice then lies to the university investigators and then to the Feds about his "alleged" improprieties. Mo threatens he will leave OSU and take on the NFL's early entrant requirements. Ohio State cuts their losses and moves on in 2003 without Maurice. Mo then finds the most activist judge in the circuit to say the NFL's 30 year old eligibilty stipulations are a violation of Right To Work laws. Maurice you want to work until your eligible?? Bag some groceries, grab a mop and swab the Publix floors like I did. But I digress. So Maurice has now everything he wants and a trip to the 2004 NFL Combine. But what does Mo do, he shows up 30 lbs. overweight, dumb as a box of rocks, and runs a 40 time comparable to Shane Andrews. Later the court then overrules in favor of the NFL and tells Maurice he's back to square one. So what does he and his attention-whoring lawyers do? File an emergency appeal with the Supreme Court of the United States! You know that little outfit that in the past has ruled on landmark cases like Brown vs. Board of Education, Roe vs. Wade, and determined the 2000 Presidency. Any of those ring a bell? Priorities people. And what happens? In a 24 hour span the SCOTUS says sure, let's hears it?!?!?! What? Whether Maurice Clarett can play professional football this season? Please tell me we have more pressing issues pending in the highest house of the American judicial system? No abortion rights, no right to bear arms, no racial equality cases that need some review? Determining if Maurice Clarett was going to take 5-10 toss sweeps in mop up duty for the Baltimore Ravens was important enought for Ruth Bader Ginsberg? And here I need to go off on a tangent for a moment.... Ruth Ginsberg heard this case? The lady with Coke bottle glasses who goes about 4'11 and 87 lbs. The lady who's the stunt double for "Madame the Puppet"? The lady who probably doesn't know a footbal from a canned ham - much less has ever been in the Horseshoe for a noon kick-off vs. Michigan. Interesting choice. Wasn't Clarence Thomas available... he's a brotha in pretty good shape. I'll bet he's got a little pigskin in his background. Antonin Scalia maybe? Big, burly sportsman like him?... Anyway where was I? Oh yeah Maurice. So now he's all upset because he's options are limited. Ohio State doesn't want him back and in all likelihood he can't regain his amateur eligibility anyway. Going Division 1-AA would be slap to his rep. If he has to sit out another season, he might eat his way out of the 2005 draft. Looks like one thing is left for Maurice... I hear the Edmonton Eskimos start mini-camp next week. Because you never go away... "Maurice, come on down!" You're the next contest for inclusion in the Cry Me a *%#@! River Club! Ballots are due by Noon on Monday.